the government shutdown diaries.

Tuesday:

Day One of the government shutdown. Park rangers are furloughed. The fires from the grizzly bear riots are painting the night sky over Yellowstone bright orange. Bald eagles are ditching their tracking collars and skipping the country. WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END

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Wednesday:

Day Two of the government shutdown. They have begun to tear up roads and dismantle all the utility wires. The garbage trucks sit by the side of the road, abandoned. We are freezing in the dark and can’t go anywhere. THANKS, NRA TEABAGGERS.

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Thursday:

Day Three of the government shutdown. Marauding Canadians are crossing the unguarded northern border in large groups. For now we can placate them with hockey shirts and cheap LASIK, but I fear the worst.

The supermarket has no food left. Without anyone to tell them what size apples are safe to sell, they didn’t want to risk killing us all. At least SOMEONE is looking out for us.

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Friday:

Day Four of the government shutdown. Without the FCC, everyone on TV and the radio is just screaming random obscenities. In the next town over, people drank raw, unpasteurized milk, and everyone died screaming.

Because there are no more grocery stores, we tried to go out to eat last night. Restaurant was gone. Some fool installed a bathroom urinal with unapproved water throughput and blew the place up when he flushed. SERVES HIM RIGHT, I SAY.

10 responses

  1. Is the internet still be running?
    Hello, is anyone out there?
    We hear there are a few survivors left in Los Angles. We are going that way.
    Good luck to you if you can read this.

  2. I’m no tea-bagger (I LIKE coffee) but have been a member of the NRA since I was 10 years old. Taught me gun safety, how to shoot straight both of which served me well in 22 years as a USMC not so peaceful keeper. The real government has been shutdown for mmm… about 12+ years so this is just window dressing. If you don’t think so, just remember when a dollar was worth a dollar or more in most other currencies. Next, they’ll save money by cutting back on the military retirement, medical care for vets, and support for dependents to “save” money. While I consider myself a good citizen, good luck with appealing to family men with “you owe it to your country” How does it go? God, family, country, & self… what a world we made. Yeah I’m to blame as I vote too.

  3. So, on day five can we start to shoot and eat our neighbors?

    Or maybe just know some traffic cones down near national parks?

  4. Texas still doing just fine, not having really noticed that the federals went away. Accepting most refugees with priority admission to military dependents, machinists, and NRA Life Members. Currently not accepting non-military dependent migrants from CA, NY, NJ, MA, VT, RI, IL, or lawyers from anywhere.

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