a snow-related math problem.

Marko’s garage roof is a flat surface of 75×25 feet.

If there is a uniform snow layer of 2.5 feet thickness on the roof, a cubic foot of lightly compacted snow weighs 15 pounds, and Marko just removed all that snow with nothing but muscle power and a goddamn snow shovel,

a.) How much snow deadweight in pounds did Marko just shovel off the roof?

b.) How many Tim Tams at 95 calories a piece does he need to eat now to replace the calories he just burned shoveling all that motherfucking snow?

c.) How goddamn sick of the snow is Marko at this point?

d.) How soon can Marko relocate the denizens of Castle Frostbite to a new domicile in the more temperate climate of, say, western NC?

Bonus question:

If Marko jumps off the roof into a snowdrift to save himself the climb down the ladder on shaky legs, his idiocy causes him to sink up to his chest into soft powdery snow, and he needs five minutes of exhausting struggling to free himself from his entirely self-inflicted predicament,

e.) How big of a drink is Marko pouring himself right now?

34 responses

  1. a) I was told there was no math.
    b) Half a box, with one thrown in for good measure.
    c) Snow Sickness level – ebola.
    d) About three weeks after digging out to the main road.
    e) According to the Irish Woman, why stop at one?

  2. Bonus question: At what point in his snow shoveling career should Marko invest in a snowblower to avoid a heart attack?

  3. The parameters of the last question are not completely clear, but I would hazard a guess that it’s measured in hands, rather than fingers. At the risk of a snowball where it will startle me, is a pitched roof on the garage out of the question?

  4. There’s an easier way…. Simply remove all the insulation from your attic and roof. The resulting heat loss will melt the snow away nicely with minimal manual intervention.

    You will – of course – freeze and go broke, but that nasty shoveling-the-roof problem will be moot-ish.

  5. Oh, and its currently 77 and sunny in Dallas. Come on down. I have bottles of both Johnny Blue and Pappy van Winkle waiting for a good occasion.

      • D’oh. I missed that part. Took ‘flat’ to mean ‘not curved/warped,’ as opposed to ‘horizontal.’

        Yeah, I’m thinking buy an extra snow blower and leave it up there. =P

    • Way too much money but they do work very well on a pitched roof.

      See this instructable for making one using PVC pipe and plastic sheeting. I made one following his design; worked like a charm.

  6. Hmmmm. Similar problem yesterday south of you here in NH. Pulled snow off of roof (onto self, frequently) thus necessitating re shoveling of what becomes new snowfall thus compounding the work. Now we have another 8 inches to deal with as we speak. Repeat roof shoveling as necessary.

    Here’s another math problem:

    If two cars leave New Hampshire headed to North Carolina, one has a small family requiring x number of stops, and the other a single guy hell bent on warmer weather, which will get to Happy Hour first, given one has a 90 mile head start?

  7. Yeah explain to me again exactly *why* people choose to live in climatically challenged environments? Is it masochism? Is it cheaper than buying a hair shirt? Is it a lack geographical acumen? I fail to grok the reasoning behind such crytpical choices.

    • Some people think dealing with snow is a fair trade-off for NOT having to deal with 90 days of daily high temperatures over 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

      Other people don’t care that much for shoveling snow or driving on ice, and think getting into their parked car and burning themselves on the steering wheel or shift knob is a reasonable compromise.

  8. I know a guy who clears snow off his roof with a hot-water pressure washer. Not saying its the greatest idea since you still end up with ice on the roof but it would be fun to watch. More importantly since you live in Castle Frostbite who thought it was a good idea to build anything with a flat roof?

    But seriously skip the glass just use the bottle.

  9. Perhaps you might take a look at the Puget Sound basin. Mild weather the year around, and if one has at least the wit of a Devon Minnow, he would purchase a domicile on higher ground so to avoid the very predictable flooding which occurs annualy on low ground. Also consider the two weeks of cold weather when the Puget Sound Basin sometimes experiences snow.

    Although Western Washington is infested with libtards, it is a gun friendly State with legal open carry and shall issue concealed carry and a few quite good gun shows.

    Good hunting, fishing, hiking and camping as well. Did I mention the mild weather?? Snow shovels are kept as amusements, not tools. Also no poisonous critters west of the Cascade summit. Except, of course, libtards.

    • As a fellow Puget Sound resident, I agree with inviting Marko but lets keep the invites quite if we invite too many in we end up looking like Californistan.

  10. my first comment is the drink isn’t big enough.

    My second comment is..I moved to Tennessee when I found out they closed the schools when just the threat of 1/2 inch of snow was in the forecast.

    Oh yea–With your Gean background you might try Helen Georgia ;-)

  11. BTW I hate typing on a smart phone with auto correct…all kidding aside.. Northern California up in the wine Country by the American river is a little bit of heaven. All these Southern folks like to talk about Florida LA ( Lower Alabama) but Florida and most of Texas in the Summer makes Southeast Asia seemm like it has a cool low humidity climate.

  12. “Load 16 tons and what do you get…”

    And you got to do it twice!

    You are making me feel guilty about not doing my Minnesota roof. The avalanche rakes are pretty slick (if you have a sloped roof). They make them just down the road from me.

  13. I think I can solve the problem for the snow burden German author.:-)

    I was involved with a commercial Visa credit card processing company when I represented Piller Group GmbH . The Visa credit card company were having problems with the utility supplying them electrical power along with catastrophic shutdowns when switching to batteries before the generators could take over the load. Since even a small delay cost the company millions of dollars per hour they elected to replace the current system with United Technology fuel cell systems while utilizing Piller products to replace the battery backup systems.

    Fuel cells are actually a very old and were designed/invented in the 1860s to produce water from oxygen and hydrogen for the railroads. Steam locomotive require not only fuel but a ready source of water. The system really did not work well for the locomotives since the fuel cells of the day did not produce enough water but a lot of heat and it had a really bad side effect –Direct Current electricity. Fuel cells were then forgotten till the US space agency needed a simple way to manufacture electricity for the fledgling space program for their capsules since they had an abundance of Hydrogen and oxygen i on board their rockets.

    Back to the problem–

    Since you are now a wealthy author, all you need to do is buy a home 5kW fuel cell! This system when combined with reformulated hydrogen from natural gas will produce electricity for you home, the large amount of heat can be applied for snow removal on your garage roof and even produce pure H2O. Heck you can even sell the extra electricity back to the utility.

    All you have to do now is come up with $25-30K plus Installation costs, and a find a source for the hydrogen. …..See soooo easyyyyy and the problem is solved.

    If not feasible :-)

    \Alt idea 1-move.
    Alt idea 2- Hire someone to remove the snow
    Alt idea 3 -see alt idea 1.

  14. I found out the hard way just how much snow collects on 120 feet of driveway, and how tired and sore I got shoveling it after I busted my pretty new ATV/plow when I’d barely started the job yesterday. It was somehow not made much better when the dealer’s rep showed up to collect the ATV/plow and told me he’d never quite seen someone break one quite that well before.

  15. Build a ramp to the roof, or install a cable hoist to lift the blower to the roof. Now, if you had a front-end loader, or excavator, you could just lift it up there. Hmm, a tow truck with the typical extending hydraulic boom could also get it up there.
    Got an equipment rental nearby? They may have something you could rent cheap enough to do the job.

  16. DR power equip makes a light electric blower, climb the roof, haul the machine up on a rope . I leave mine up there wrapping the head in a big plastic bag between uses.

  17. Would it be cheaper to reinforce the roof to handle the snow load? (Walls too maybe, i doubt it.). Most garages have good access into the roof. A bunch if sistered 2×8 or 12’s ….

  18. Also… What kind of cretin builds flat roofs in snow country without making them capable to handle max expected snow fall x2

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